Difficult Conversations: Soft Start-Ups

The Soft Start-Up

The first couple minutes of a conversation set the tone moving forward. Starting the conversation in a calm, respectful, and non-confrontational manner helps lead to a positive conversation and prevents defensiveness. 

Tips

• Maintain a calm and respectful tone. Avoid negative body language such as eye-rolling, scowling, or mocking.

• Add phrases like "please," "could we," or "I’d appreciate it" to soften the delivery.

• Assume the other person cares and is willing to collaborate.

• Address one issue at a time.

Soft Start-Up Framework

Choose the Right Time

Ensure you and the other person are in a good state to talk and are not tired, hungry, or stressed.

Ex) "Is this a good time to talk?"

Start with an Observation

Open with a neutral, fact-based statement.

Ex) "I noticed we’ve been spending less quality time together."

Express Your Feelings

Use “I Statements” to share your emotions and needs without placing blame on the other person.

Ex) "I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy because I need a sense of order to relax."

State Your Needs

Be specific and clearly articulate what you need in a constructive way. 

Ex) "I would appreciate it if we could set aside time on the weekend to clean up together."

Invite Collaboration

End with an invitation to work together toward a solution.

Ex) "I would love to work with you to come up with ideas.”