Difficult Conversations: “I Statements”

What are “I Statements”

"I Statements" are a communication tool to express feelings, needs, or opinions to minimize blame and promote positive dialogue. They help avoid triggering defensiveness in others and focus on personal experiences. 

"I Statement" Structure:

"I feel [emotion] when [situation] because [reason]. What I need is [solution or request]."

Rules for Using “I Statements”

For the [Emotion]

-Describe how the other person’s actions made you feel

-Only use an emotion word after “I feel.” 

• Do say, “I feel angry/worried, etc

• Do not say, “I feel like you're an asshole.”

For the [Situation]

-Describe the situation using neutral language

-Do not use judgemental or blaming language

-Avoid black & white words (always, never, etc)

For the [Solution or Request]

-Be clear and concise about what you want or need

-Be reasonable in what you request

Examples of “I Statements” vs “Blaming Statements”

Blaming Statement:

Ex1) "You always make me do everything around here!"

Ex2) "You always cancel at the last minute; you are so untrustworthy.”

Healthy "I Statement":

Ex1) "I feel overwhelmed when household tasks are left to me because I need us to share responsibilities."

Ex2) "I feel disappointed when plans are canceled at the last minute because I really looking forward to spending time with you."