How to Stop Being Defensive
What is Defensiveness?
Defensiveness is an automatic response to a perceived criticism or threat that protects us from feeling vulnerable or difficult emotions like guilt, shame, regret, remorse, etc.
Why am I so Defensive?
Defensiveness is learned in childhood from adult role models or as a way to protect oneself.
Fear Response: Defensiveness can be a protective behavior when criticism is frequent, intense, and connected with harsh punishment in childhood.
Learned Behavior: Family members or close adults can role-model defensiveness and make it seem like a completely normal way to respond to criticism.
If Defensiveness is automatic, how do I change it?
You can’t expect yourself to quickly stop a behavior you have been automatically doing for years. At first, the focus is on decreasing the amount of time you spend in a defensive response. Progress will look like being defensive for 30 minutes, then 25, then 20, then 10, then 5, then one day catching yourself at the start of an argument and quickly shifting.
Step 1: Recognize the signs of Defensiveness. Memorize the stages of a defensive argument and learn the stages of a healthy argument (Found in the Table above). Notice the physical changes that occur in your body: muscle tension, rapid heart rate, shallow breathing.
Step 2: Call yourself out on it. You have the opportunity to change whenever you realize you are being defensive. Express that you notice you are being defensive.
Step 3: Self-Regulate. Defensiveness is connected to the Fight/Flight/Freeze response. If you need a minute to calm down, take it. Relax your muscles, take deep breaths, calm your mind, or step outside for a moment.
Step 4: Restart and switch to Healthy Argument. You are not expected to be an expert on how to navigate a healthy argument. Feel free to reference the Stages listed above to help guide you.